My Habeas Corpus

Had a medication management appointment today. I was really inspired seeing this quote posted for the new year on my psychiatrist's wall. He had another painting one of his patient's did that showed a man riding a sad horse. He told me that his patient is talented. It's really beautiful to see a doctor celebrating the work that someone with mental illness completed. I read in these words so much hope for the future and drive to survive. 

It's been a little over a month since I took my 2 week leave of absence. It is strange to look back only weeks later and feel so dramatically different. I have so much more hope, energy and comfortability with where I am now. I have been healthier and happier after taking the rest time from work. I still have uncertainty about parts of my future, but I now know how helpful tools like medicine, rest, friendship, and lifestyle changes (eating and exercising) can be. A huge part of my healing has come from being apart of the Emotional Ally Society. This group has given me a safe place to show up and be honest about where my struggles take me. Knowing I finally have a place where these deeply shameful and broken parts of me can be seen is like knowing I can belong somewhere. With my experiences in the hospital, I've had moments in life where I felt deeply unsafe. I felt the world was dangerous and terrifying. Attending the EAS group has helped to heal the wound and return the sen...

I like short haircuts. I have had short hair the majority of my life. However, when I had my breakdowns, the hair got a lot shorter than the ol' chin length bob. The first breakdown was marked with me cutting it really boy short. And when I went through the next set, I think I cut it some then. Weirdly enough, in distant pop culture world, it was around when Britney Spears cut her hair short, had her life hiccups. There have been these strange moments of feeling extremely connected to celebrities. Britney Spears showed a rage that I was feeling. Hilary Duff released an album about frustration with her dad. Amanda Bynes had her strange wig moments and erratic behavior where she was in court. Hell, even later when Miley Cyrus had moments I felt like these women were acting on very normal rational impulses. The public eye was showing a vulnerable side to people that I felt connected to. So I didn't full on shave my head like Britney, but in the past, each manic breakdown was...

The 15 Year Itch It's 15 years since my diagnosis. Mental illness strikes again. The survival imperative kicks in. I march uphill - the only path ahead is that of a warrior, a soldier, a fighter. Somehow I am finding my way to the other side. God is answering prayers. My psycologist and psychiatrist helped me to feel heard. Work allowed me to take time off. My husband gave me grace, courage and support in every achy moment, and there has been many. I'm walking onto the other side of a two-month climb out of depression. I think am learning how life stress can weigh on me twice as much as the not so bipolar person. It takes extra extra extra self-care and awareness to honor my needs and keep pressing forward.

Ok, so remember back when I mentioned how during the first breakdown I fell for this Australian guy named James? I often look back at that time and think it was a perfect storm that began with discord between my mom and I, dramatic food/workout changes and feeling intense romantic feelings. When everything began at that apartment with those two roommates, I was developing feelings for my assistant manager at work. Now, I think I mentioned the tension I felt because he kissed me and had a girlfriend and was my manager, but I didn't fully divulge how much I was affected by it all. Right before I was hospitalized, I was stuck in thought circles about Vinnie. And one night it went from a crush to sudden very deep emotions - the kind that, like with James, made me start to basically live from the world of fantasy briefly. It was all one bad evening, but I went down the rabbit hole and basically started imagining our wedding. I made a list of my bridesmaids, I started to write invita...

Another hospital stay I remember was especially terrible. They all were, but this one had more agony to it. I remember acutely feeling rock bottom. Not like suicidal or depression, but like end of the universe lostness and confusion without any idea how to climb out. This one was where I believe the meds they gave me were at odds with the chemistry within me.  I have never felt as scared, terrified, alone, and unprotected as I did when I was in the hospital. Anyone who says, it is better than being out of the hospital where you could hurt yourself or do something wild doesn't really understand what they are suggesting. They might think it's a time-out, a retreat, a safe place. I assure you, it is not safe.  Forcing someone to stay in a hospital against their will teaches someone that you are not safe, people are not safe, the world is not safe. Exerting physical force to put another person's body where they do not want to be can be a monstrous act. No matter how bene...

I was thinking about explaining a little more about the hospital. It's an unusual experience. There's an intake time where they take your clothes and make you sign forms. I think they say that in some cases when you cannot be responsible for yourself, it's recommended to write and Advanced Directive, which means your care is entrusted to another person who will have essentially power of attorney over you. The problem with this is that I didn't have someone who I trusted to do that. Docs always tried to push this stuff towards my parents and only release me into their care. It was always trading one hell for another (back then anyways). Once you're in the hospital, you wear a gown or scrubs and those little footy socks. The rooms are barren, much like a prison. It's set up so there is not way to harm yourself. At night there are checks every hour or so to make sure nothing is wrong. Sometimes there was a flashlight. There's basically a group of rooms with a...