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First Hospitalization

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Maybe if I tell this here, I will never ever have to tell it again. Maybe one person will say, how come no one saved you or helped you. Or, maybe I'll just be able to stop crying about it. I hear the cops talking on their walkie thing. They say, "Raleigh, Durham Hospital, we have a code 43." What is a code 43? Why am I in handcuffs. I don't want to be wearing these. Two cops walk me in a busy ER. Why am I here? What did I do? What do they want from me? I am so so scared. I try to leave, I don't want to be there. I am scared. I ask to leave. They ask me to put on a vest. I blindly do what they ask. It's a straight jacket. The cops check me in. The intake nurse and cop turn to me. The nurse says "Do you know where you are?" Me, "The hospital." The nurse, "Do you know why you are here?" Me, "No." Nurse, "What year is it?". Me, "2004." Nurse, "Where do you live?" Me, "Where do I live? ...
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Healing

It's been a little over a month since I took my 2 week leave of absence. It is strange to look back only weeks later and feel so dramatically different. I have so much more hope, energy and comfortability with where I am now. I have been healthier and happier after taking the rest time from work. I still have uncertainty about parts of my future, but I now know how helpful tools like medicine, rest, friendship, and lifestyle changes (eating and exercising) can be. A huge part of my healing has come from being apart of the Emotional Ally Society. This group has given me a safe place to show up and be honest about where my struggles take me. Knowing I finally have a place where these deeply shameful and broken parts of me can be seen is like knowing I can belong somewhere. With my experiences in the hospital, I've had moments in life where I felt deeply unsafe. I felt the world was dangerous and terrifying. Attending the EAS group has helped to heal the wound and return the sen...
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Little Mermaid

For parts of this story I've thought through over and over, I don't like telling it as much. It's just facts I am unleashing from me brain. I want to move forward, but I will get this out. Um, well, I have always loved singing. Really really loved it. I sing in church most Sundays. A few weeks after my attempt, I was trying to sing and my voice would hurt, feel like a tiny guitar pic was like poking in my vocal chords or something. It seemed like certain notes. And it felt kinda hoarse, and just like catching, so I couldn't create whole round sounding notes. maybe like something inside was choking my singing voice. So we went to a doctor to evaluate it. My mom did haul me to an awful lot of appointments those days. Anyway, this guy stuck a camera up my nose and down the back of my throat. I think he might've looked down my throat too. I think he was an ENT. He found scar tissue he thought was causing the problem. The scar tissue was from when I was intubated follo...
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