How Many More Times? - Guest Post

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 How Many More Times?

Danny Munoz

How many more times must I be subjected to the embarrassment that comes with the loss of one's rationality. I spend years putting my life back together only to have everything fall apart within days as they put me in chains and force me into a hospital yet again. I'd be upset if I had any tears left to shed. I've already lost my wife, I only see my children every two weeks and I'm not sure if the decent job I landed last year is still mine as they've gotten wind of my mental illness. If history repeats itself, everybody runs for the hills when they find out I have a problem with my mind, regardless of how "amazing" or "bright" they claimed I was. If indeed history repeats itself I will be left broke and alone once more.
To hell with it, if this is yet another test for me, to see if this time it will kill me then I shall pass. For I'm not yet giving up, I'm not yet ready to stop living.
To be fair this time was kind of my fault. I requested time and time again for my doctor to lower the medications I was on so that I could "live" a more fulfilling life. I stopped taking the lithium as prescribed and as is always the case the illness sprung out from around the corner where it always seems to lie.
You'd think after four times hospitalized I'd have it down by now. You'd think that I'd be able to identify that I was going into psychosis once more and seek help. But no. It appears that I'll never be able to identify when my mind is ill. I guess it's true that a crazy person doesn't know he's crazy.
But again so what. If it's true that this life is only a stepping stone to eternity. If it's true that this is a kind of test. I will make it through. I will withstand this, I will transcend this. I will be alone, but I will not be defeated. Not like this.

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