Darkness
Another hospital stay I remember was especially terrible. They all were, but this one had more agony to it. I remember acutely feeling rock bottom. Not like suicidal or depression, but like end of the universe lostness and confusion without any idea how to climb out. This one was where I believe the meds they gave me were at odds with the chemistry within me.
I have never felt as scared, terrified, alone, and unprotected as I did when I was in the hospital. Anyone who says, it is better than being out of the hospital where you could hurt yourself or do something wild doesn't really understand what they are suggesting. They might think it's a time-out, a retreat, a safe place. I assure you, it is not safe.
Forcing someone to stay in a hospital against their will teaches someone that you are not safe, people are not safe, the world is not safe. Exerting physical force to put another person's body where they do not want to be can be a monstrous act. No matter how benevolent your motives are. If you are doing it in the interest of stability, balance, improving their health - I think you are still accountable.
The treatment I received from hospitals sent me into so much panic and confusion that was not there before.
Making someone take medicine that alters their ability to think.
I still cannot believed how much hell I survived.
I was living in a cage, in terror.
I remember banging on doors. I remember how the meds cause nightmares. I remember how intense physical reactions to meds made me shake, feel feverish, go hot, then cold. I remember making a t-shirt into a wet turbin on my head to try and cool down. I remember telling a girl she reminded of Alanis Morrisette and her yelling at me, asking what that meant. I remember them putting me on a stretcher and tying my wrists to the sides. I remember them putting me in a room by myself.
The weird thing was that the alternative was often to return to my parents, but that only made me panic more. Rock. Hard Place. Darkness.
Being put in restraints is something I hope very few people ever have to experience. It can rob you of your sense of dignity, safety, control, security.
I still shudder at the thought of losing security ever again.
In this terror, I was searching for some hope to cling to. I had my bible with me. I would try to read it, and still be so overwhelmed by the danger of my circumstances that I couldn't find enough in their. I prayed. I screamed. I slept when the meds were heavy. I remember taking the bible and washing it in the sink. I am not sure if I was trying to clean it or what. I tore off some of the outside of it. Everything in me was battling.
You may think that sounds like my brain was broken, but I understand it as the cry of a captive. Someone seeking anything to rescue them in a prison.
Something interesting happened in the bottom of this pit.
I shut my eyes. I felt surrounded by darkness. The room, the world around me was teaming with attackers. I felt swarmed with rage, fear, confusion, despair, agony.
It was one of the greatest, deepest, most acute suffering I have ever experienced.
But there, in the very core of all of reality's agony, God met me.
He just said, "I am."
And I found hope, that God existed outside of me, inside the dark places within me, through the cement of hospital walls, beyond the devastation of my circumstances.
God simply was.
And I would never be beyond his reach.
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Comments
Post a Comment