My Habeas Corpus

They told me what happened while I was asleep. My youngest brother came in and found me. He tried to wake me up. I wouldn't wake up. He knew something was wrong. They called 911. This time an ambulance was warranted. This time I did need to go to the hospital. They gave me charcoal. I think that means I must've thrown the medication up, but I didn't remember that. When I came to I was intubated. I was in a hospital bed with my parents and my sister staring at me. My sister was so terrified. She was so sad. I remember her face, her eyes so vividly. It's strange to look back and consider where my mind's eye was. I didn't really see my parents. I saw my sister. I saw how much she loved me. I think she told me never to do that again. I still felt so empty inside, and like I'd tried to escape life but I was still so trapped by it. I went back to sleep. They took the intubation tube out. I remember using the restroom and noticing my shit was black. Guess that wa...

The first time I was prescribed xanax, the medication hit me hard. It was like things went a bit slow motion but I was still awake. I think it was supposed to be a low dose. I went to my friend's mom's house to meet her for tea. At that time my mom set up various plans for me. I believe it was during that tea that I showed that friend an emancipation document I wrote stating that I did not want to be in any kind of custody under my parents. It was kinda my own little bill of rights and throwing off of the family shackles I felt. If memory serves. I know when I showed Carolyn that document she told me it was a "very serious document". That's all I remember her saying. Nothing about looking into the situation of investigating what was going on with my parents. Carolyn served us tea on some very nice china in a sitting area where she had new couches. The medicine was effecting my movement. I was lifting the glass and spilled some. I couldn't control my arm. Carol...

Google that term. You will read about how anti psychotic meds can cause jerky movements. Now a doctor never shared that term with me. But I found it one of these times I was trying to make sense of everything. I don't know if that's what happened, but I do know I had a side effect of uncontrollable leg shaking. It may have looked minor, but my knee would jerk/vibrate/ making jittery reactions whenever I was just sitting. It was terrifying. My physical body was not in control. This was new. This was in fall of 2004. Between the months of June and maybe August, I'd try to go back to college, given up headed home, tried meds on meds, my mom tried to baker act me, I talked my way out of it - because I was literally beyond stressed about living in an abusive home and no one would help - and I was sent back home, my mom enrolled me in community college, meds made me drooly, zombie like, unable to concentrate. Would I ever be able to sit in church again? Would I ever be able to ...

I've shared some very crucial parts of how my story began. I've shown those deep moments of anger, vulnerability, loss. And much of this in the name of defense - to once and for all defend my sanity. But I think, as I turn these pieces over in the cool light of morning, that I can't tell the whole picture reveals some strangeness, some caverns of instability that I may have become to intimate with. I guess what I am saying now is I see how these moments - taken merely on their own - show me how deeply lost I was back then. And how even now I feel a see saw of good and bad times that can make sometimes for a rocky day to day - and that is all the while with all my experience white knuckling this current experience to maintain stability. I won't say I'm bipolar. That is a defeatist term to me, when speaking of myself. That is a confinement just as the hospital is a confining space. I will say. There are times when the lense of bipolar can be a helpful tool. The world...

I believe that I am a bit of a grandiose person. Here are some of what I consider sound reasons for this. First, I was valedictorian of my high school. Back then I battened my hatches and stuck to the books. Sure, it was a tiny private school, but that doesn't mean those latin, rhetoric and apologetic classes were easy. I grew up rather grounded in my academics and intellectualism - as much as you can in your formative years of personhood. And hell, I fought my way through 6 long years of undergrad to complete a degree in the face of massive life setbacks. I was also working 30 hours a week for 3 of those years. I even completed half of a master's in literary theory with a B+ average soon after. So, yes, I think my "mind powers" might put me a notch into the grandiose category. I think I have been pretty freakin good at some stuff. OK, was I a prodigy? I never really got close to that title, but a girl can dream, right? And why wouldn't that be likely if the uni...

I am really tired. I supposed I don't always have a chest of secrets to spill here. Today my life is so different. So good. Much more peace, stability. Happiness. I have someone who shares these weights with me. I have to fight off the memories sometimes. There are so many memories stored, sifted, dissected, explained. Today my life is still impacted by the events of 2004. It hits me because I just went to the pharmacy to get meds filled so I don't miss another dose of meds. Sure I've gone off meds many times quite successfully. But it doesn't mean I haven't used them as a resources also. I have been responsible. And I deserve agency in these choices. Don't we all? I hate thinking of all the threats or warnings from doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, parents, friends, and others that all will be lost without meds. Why would they give me suicide stats? Why would they scare an already scared person. Did the ever think that all might be lost with meds? Man,...

Bipolar is classified as a mental disorder. Some consider it an illness, condition or chemical imbalance. Psychiatrists diagnose patients with it and accompany that diagnosis with warnings that life without medication is impossible. The more time one spends off medication, the more "episodes" they will have. The more frequently one goes on and off medication, the more episodes and the greater the severity of episodes. The term bipolar is often used in connection with a series of symptoms that episodes are marked by. For examples, spending too much money, having too much creativity, grandiose thoughts, hyper activity,hyper religiosity, sleeplessness, reckless decision making, impulsive decisions, increased sex drive, irresponsible behavior. Those may be considered symptoms of a manic episode. A depressive episode is the general depressed stuff you might expect, but with a maybe deeper sadness and desire for hurting oneself. The term bipolar refers to those two polarities of i...