Trauma Begets Trauma

Bipolar is classified as a mental disorder. Some consider it an illness, condition or chemical imbalance. Psychiatrists diagnose patients with it and accompany that diagnosis with warnings that life without medication is impossible. The more time one spends off medication, the more "episodes" they will have. The more frequently one goes on and off medication, the more episodes and the greater the severity of episodes.

The term bipolar is often used in connection with a series of symptoms that episodes are marked by. For examples, spending too much money, having too much creativity, grandiose thoughts, hyper activity,hyper religiosity, sleeplessness, reckless decision making, impulsive decisions, increased sex drive, irresponsible behavior. Those may be considered symptoms of a manic episode. A depressive episode is the general depressed stuff you might expect, but with a maybe deeper sadness and desire for hurting oneself. The term bipolar refers to those two polarities of intensely "up" emotions and intensely "down". I think the public might assume that those switching between happy and sad are just a pendulum swing of changing moods like an on and off switch. I don't know if I have ever seen that. Not in myself. Not in others. At least not anything more than exhibiting the regular human emotions that are responses to events. Ya know, good days, bad days. All that.

Anyways. These definitions have not been helpful to me. I have witnessed this type of bipolar analysis primarily as a weapon.

I can only speak for myself.

And say how deeply sad I have paid doctors to perpetuate this symptomatic analysis.

I am very angry about how many people contribute to this chaos.

Many in the mental health industry compare a diagnosis of bipolar to diagnosis, telling patients, "it doesn't define you, it's just something to manage." But blood sugar levels and mood levels are not the same. They even use the word elevated moods. But there is not a physical test for this.

I am feeling frustrated about all of this. I just want to tell someone how desperately I wished for a cancer diagnosis instead. I know that's messed up. I know the pain would be unimaginable. But the symptoms would be medically verifiable - (well maybe not the post-chemo brain zaps) - but for the most part there would be actual tests to learn more about the medically verifiable problem. And for fuck's sake, people are sympathetic.

A diagnosis that causes suspicion. Now that is tricky. Now every human I meet has a condition - where based on my behavior they might call me a liar.

I can never decide which is scarier, not being able to trust myself or everyone else.

I can never decides which is more terrible, locking up a sane person or letting loose an insane one.

It's never good when those kinds of riddles are fighting for truth. And behind the next closed door could be a lifetime of being locked up.

All of this began with trauma. Then piled trauma upon trauma.

It's better to not feel this depth of anger, vindication, desire for justice against a person or people. Instead maybe it should be against some chapters in the DMSV. Perhaps I should have drowned that with my books, my mirror and my ring.

Post-script. I want to admit that putting these words into writing makes me feel very vulnerable. I feel that I should keep going, but also that I am telling a secret that will never ever be safe. I have already learned that words cannot save me. Yes, in some ways many other things did save me. But maybe words can save someone else. And maybe I can get better at saving myself.