Charcoal

They told me what happened while I was asleep. My youngest brother came in and found me. He tried to wake me up. I wouldn't wake up. He knew something was wrong. They called 911. This time an ambulance was warranted. This time I did need to go to the hospital. They gave me charcoal. I think that means I must've thrown the medication up, but I didn't remember that.

When I came to I was intubated. I was in a hospital bed with my parents and my sister staring at me. My sister was so terrified. She was so sad. I remember her face, her eyes so vividly. It's strange to look back and consider where my mind's eye was. I didn't really see my parents. I saw my sister. I saw how much she loved me. I think she told me never to do that again. I still felt so empty inside, and like I'd tried to escape life but I was still so trapped by it. I went back to sleep.

They took the intubation tube out. I remember using the restroom and noticing my shit was black. Guess that was the charcoal, the way they got the toxic level of medication out of me. Then I sat in that hotel bed, sorta drugged for a day or two. I remember a male nurse, this very kind Asian guy, came into the room later in the evening to and gave me a sponge bath. It was strange. He said so young, so beautiful and so sad. Something like that. I kinda understood that it seemed young to be giving up on life. But I didn't understand why he was surprised by the sad. All I felt was sad.

Because I had taken the meds to attempt suicide, the hospital released me to the psyche unit for a 72 hour watch. It was protocol for someone who had attempted self harm.

Before they took me their my mom visited. She brought me a teddy bear. I think I told her I didn't want to be alive. She may have told me she felt the same way. I know she cried. But she wasn't crying for me. She was crying for her. That's what she does. My sister, though, she cried for me and her.

Okay. That's enough sad for today.