Xanax

The first time I was prescribed xanax, the medication hit me hard. It was like things went a bit slow motion but I was still awake. I think it was supposed to be a low dose. I went to my friend's mom's house to meet her for tea. At that time my mom set up various plans for me. I believe it was during that tea that I showed that friend an emancipation document I wrote stating that I did not want to be in any kind of custody under my parents. It was kinda my own little bill of rights and throwing off of the family shackles I felt. If memory serves. I know when I showed Carolyn that document she told me it was a "very serious document". That's all I remember her saying. Nothing about looking into the situation of investigating what was going on with my parents. Carolyn served us tea on some very nice china in a sitting area where she had new couches. The medicine was effecting my movement. I was lifting the glass and spilled some. I couldn't control my arm. Carolyn wasn't upset, but somehow I did know I messed up a new couch/chair.

Afterwards my mom picked me up and took me to my mom's favorite restaurant, Red Lobster. In this strange world, 15 years later my mom is going with my sister to Red Lobster on Friday. I wonder if it will be around her turning point to.

Memory is such a strange prism that glimmers, turns, mahrs, and only shows reflections of reality.

The doctor kept me on xanax, so there was sedated quality to things here and there. The nightmares from antipsychotics woke me up screaming, banging at the door. what is worse a medicated rational person or an unmedicated irrational person... Then some mood stabilizer was causing my knees to shake.

I slept as much as I could, but I would still wake up eventually. I hated waking up to the world I was in. I finally gave up. I thought I could just go to sleep forever. Stop this horrible existence from continuing. I saw no way out. No one heard how terrible this was, how terrifying it was, how much worse my mom made it. So I took the whole bottle of xanax. The coating tasted sweet. I laid in my bed and I was going to be free.