I Hate Needles

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I am really tired. I supposed I don't always have a chest of secrets to spill here. Today my life is so different. So good. Much more peace, stability. Happiness. I have someone who shares these weights with me.

I have to fight off the memories sometimes. There are so many memories stored, sifted, dissected, explained. Today my life is still impacted by the events of 2004. It hits me because I just went to the pharmacy to get meds filled so I don't miss another dose of meds. Sure I've gone off meds many times quite successfully. But it doesn't mean I haven't used them as a resources also. I have been responsible. And I deserve agency in these choices. Don't we all?

I hate thinking of all the threats or warnings from doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, parents, friends, and others that all will be lost without meds. Why would they give me suicide stats? Why would they scare an already scared person.

Did the ever think that all might be lost with meds?

Man, tonite I am tired. This isn't the kind of remembering that gives me strength.

Today I had biometric screening at work. A typical thing. Sure we all might shudder about blood pressure, cholesterol. Other people have health concerns. But so many of them don't have this stigma. Anyway, I found out too late that the appointment included a pin-prick blood test. I know, I know, not a big deal. Not something that hurts. Hell, the lady laughed about people with tattoos being nervous about doctor's needles - while looking at my tattoo. I didn't tell her I got a painful tattoo intentionally when I was feeling suicidal to show how desperately I wanted out. I mean that's a partial explanation for it and I know she was trying to be nice. But damn sometimes all these little things mount up. Anyway, I just want to be honest and say I am so sick of doctor's appointments. I'm trying to be a responsible adult. But sometimes it just hurts. The big and the little.

Pin pricks can remind me of shots, blood tests to check medicine levels, blood checks in the hospital. I wish these needles weren't here.

PS The screening was not for any major needed medical reasoning other than a free work health fair. It is different, more purposeful when I go to an appointment needing treatment for an illness. This was just extra. Next time I won't do extra.

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