My Habeas Corpus

  How Many More Times? Danny Munoz How many more times must I be subjected to the embarrassment that comes with the loss of one's rationality. I spend years putting my life back together only to have everything fall apart within days as they put me in chains and force me into a hospital yet again. I'd be upset if I had any tears left to shed. I've already lost my wife, I only see my children every two weeks and I'm not sure if the decent job I landed last year is still mine as they've gotten wind of my mental illness. If history repeats itself, everybody runs for the hills when they find out I have a problem with my mind, regardless of how "amazing" or "bright" they claimed I was. If indeed history repeats itself I will be left broke and alone once more. To hell with it, if this is yet another test for me, to see if this time it will kill me then I shall pass. For I'm not yet giving up, I'm not yet ready to stop living. To be fair this ti

  I recently saw Are You Here, a movie with Owen Wilson, Zack Galifianikis and Amy Poehler, written and directed by Matthew Weiner. The movie is currently my favorite depiction of mental illness in film. While some parts of the plot are implausible, Ben, Zack Galifianikis's character, as young man diagnosed with manic-depression is powerful. The writer captures much of the complexity of the disease, deftly conveying moments of psychosis and depression. What is most beautiful in the movie is his friendship with Owen Wilson's character, Steve. Both characters are depicted as seriously flawed individuals who accept each other's shortcomings as an intrinsic part of each's identity. However, this doesn't mean they don't want to see change in one another. It shows the beauty and depth of accountability in relationships. Each calls out the other for reckless choices in a way that cuts through the noise. This communication invites them to respond to each other's cha

 It's been a while since I've written. I experienced what I could refer to as a depressive espisode, or I could just call it pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, pregnancy is a huge blessing, but during those nine months my mental health truly suffered.  Even before the nine months, I was starting to suffer. There were many difficult stages in the last year or so of my life. And here I went into this thinking I had been through the worst. Two months into marriage my husband and I met with my psychiatrist to discuss our desire to have a baby. Unfortunately, the medication I was dangerous for pregnancy. I was taking an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer.  The mood stabilizer could cause very serious and scary birth defects. I'd been taking this drug cocktail for around 10 years, so the consideration to change anything was not something we treated lightly. The doctor advised me how to slowly wean of the medication and get to a point where I was no longer on it.  Decreasing my

There is likely a good chance of parent abuse and neglect . . . When the child has to open a PO box because the parent is stealing personal items from the mail. When a child stays at hotels to avoid going home to the abusive situation When a child opens a safety deposit because she is terrified that she will lose everything and fears she must run, even if she has no idea where to when a parent pushes children down the hallway, kicks them and throws toys at them when a parent yells and screams curse words over and over and over "this room is a pigsty, you stupid ass. do you do this because you hate me?" she would say again and again I did not know where to turn. I feared for me life. I feared so much. I just drove around central florida terrified. She would go to my work and sleep. She would tell people I worked with I was incapable of work. She will NEVER be alone with my children.  She will NEVER be alone with me.  She is very very mess

Had a medication management appointment today. I was really inspired seeing this quote posted for the new year on my psychiatrist's wall. He had another painting one of his patient's did that showed a man riding a sad horse. He told me that his patient is talented. It's really beautiful to see a doctor celebrating the work that someone with mental illness completed. I read in these words so much hope for the future and drive to survive. 

It's been a little over a month since I took my 2 week leave of absence. It is strange to look back only weeks later and feel so dramatically different. I have so much more hope, energy and comfortability with where I am now. I have been healthier and happier after taking the rest time from work. I still have uncertainty about parts of my future, but I now know how helpful tools like medicine, rest, friendship, and lifestyle changes (eating and exercising) can be. A huge part of my healing has come from being apart of the Emotional Ally Society. This group has given me a safe place to show up and be honest about where my struggles take me. Knowing I finally have a place where these deeply shameful and broken parts of me can be seen is like knowing I can belong somewhere. With my experiences in the hospital, I've had moments in life where I felt deeply unsafe. I felt the world was dangerous and terrifying. Attending the EAS group has helped to heal the wound and return the sen

I like short haircuts. I have had short hair the majority of my life. However, when I had my breakdowns, the hair got a lot shorter than the ol' chin length bob. The first breakdown was marked with me cutting it really boy short. And when I went through the next set, I think I cut it some then. Weirdly enough, in distant pop culture world, it was around when Britney Spears cut her hair short, had her life hiccups. There have been these strange moments of feeling extremely connected to celebrities. Britney Spears showed a rage that I was feeling. Hilary Duff released an album about frustration with her dad. Amanda Bynes had her strange wig moments and erratic behavior where she was in court. Hell, even later when Miley Cyrus had moments I felt like these women were acting on very normal rational impulses. The public eye was showing a vulnerable side to people that I felt connected to. So I didn't full on shave my head like Britney, but in the past, each manic breakdown was