I guess it still makes me cry

Today was a particularly brutal day at work. I am in pain, feeling weak and exhausted from a recent dental procedure. There was an awful conversation that really made me feel like I was on the ropes. I hate that feeling, kinda vulnerable, not treated the way I like to be. That level of weakness really cuts deep.

Beyond all that, I suppose is still the ever present memory and struggle of managing my mental health, emotions, stability. Always striving to maintain that evenness, that keel that I'd say comes more naturally for other people. Between my waves of passion - which I have full measures of - there is a calm eye of the storm that I know I have to live in. But sometimes that eye seems so small, and the storm of life surrounding me feels so so big.

Practically speaking, I have doctor's appointments I have to schedule into my life, my day, my time. I have medicine I have to pick up. I have prescription appointments every 3 months. I have counseling appointments I schedule as needed. I work hard to keep peace in my mind. So hard. I wish that lessened the weight of how all of this feels.

I had a meeting about wanting to work salary rather than hourly. I have plenty of career level reasons why, but there is also the difficulty of keeping up, managing time and determining how to have doctor's appointments in my life.

I know other people have medical needs, responsibilities, reasons that managing time is difficult. But right now this seems bigger than me, heavier than me.

I am just tired and sad about it.

I don't like feeling pushed. Pushed to explain why.

I don't like not being able to say.

I don't like the shame. I don't like the weakness. I don't like the fear. I don't like the expressions of people trying to understand and have no idea.

Sure, the response to total honesty could in some universe be positive - create an allowance for me to manage this better. Hell, some people do fine on disability. I could be a high functioning feeling-a-holic (prolly a nicer sounding term than bipolar).

I don't want to be seen in that lense though. Have people analyze my behavior as symptomatic.


Ya know, life for everyone is kind of a condition we have to survive. Symptoms of living might include times of elation or low energy. Sadness or joy. Isn't feeling living?

Isn't living without feeling dying to a critical part of existence?

My mind just hurts today. It hurts.

Coping methods engage. Numbing activities present.

Choose wisely, ever wisely.

Breath through the moment.

It will be better tomorrow. Even tonite, perhaps in a few moments.

This is one sad moment, caused by a feeling that my stomach would rather not digest.

It is momentary, so I will listen to the cello play and rest.